“Before You Say, I Do”
As our country’s Independence Day approaches, my therapist brain somehow led me to wonder about relationships. I find my work very stimulating and satisfying, and continue to learn from my clients. What never gets old for me is learning how (and why) two people get together, become a couple, and choose to become “one”. One fear often expressed is, how much freedom does a person have to relinquish in order to make room for that blissful “we”? How much does the independence a single person is accustomed to having, need to be altered in service of the identity formation of the relationship?
As a couples and communication therapist who has worked with many “premarital couples”, the discussion around the transition from the “I” to the “We” is often a difficult one to have, and has likely been avoided. With the couples I see for this type of coaching and counseling, I like to examine three key areas that can help reveal important areas that need further processing and clarification:
Relationally: How and why we attach to another human being relies heavily on how they make us feel when we are with them. Do we feel: safe, secure, respected, loved, honored for our own thoughts/feelings, feel good about ourselves around them, and for goodness’ sake, do our pets like them?
Personally & Practically: How do they spend their time outside of being with you? Do they have hobbies, sports, exercise, friendships, participate in their community, volunteering? What type of work do they do, and how healthy is their financial situation?
Behaviorally: How are they around your family, their family, their friends, your friends? Do they change from one scenario to another? How do they treat children and servers in restaurants? How do they do under pressure and when something doesn’t go their way? How do they drive? You get the idea.
If we want relationships to develop well, we have to remember two important quotes we’ve all heard: “love is blind”, and “love is not enough”. Being in love is wonderful and there is nothing comparable to how being in love makes us feel. However, a successful relationship requires a regular diet of self-discovery, honest communication, reality checks, and a perpetual desire to learn more about yourself and your partner.
And, finally...
Hours spent on wedding plans - HUNDREDS
Money spent on wedding vendors - THOUSANDS
Time you spend on marriage preparation - PRICELESS