The Art and Science of Speaking and Listening
Communication is complex. It takes several layers and a variety of components to set the tone for how communication is delivered and received: non-verbal cues, body language, tone, voice inflection, setting/environment, and much more. You get the idea. If one or more of those parts encounter problems (perceived or actual), things can go wrong very quickly. So, for this part 1, let’s break communication down first to see what listening is all about. We mainly listen to:
Obtain information or instruction
Receive advice and coaching
To understand and sympathize
Be inspired or entertained
According to Edgar Dale’s Cone of Experience, he suggests that we only remember between 25%-50% of what we hear. That means when you talk to others for maybe 10 minutes, they’ve paid attention to about half of the conversation. Our personal filters, beliefs, and judgments can get in the way of our being present.
Clearly, it’s a skill we can all benefit from improving, especially if we are to minimize conflicts, misunderstandings, and misaligned expectations and assumptions. Here are the five core parameters of good listening:
Pay attention: Give undivided attention to the “speaker” so they have a sense that you are with them. Set aside your rebuttals and own thoughts. It’s about them during this moment.
Show them that you are listening: Use your own body language and facial expressions to let them know you are engaged. Look at speaker directly with good eye contact (but don’t be creepy).
Provide feedback: Your role is to understand what is being said, and perhaps even sympathize/empathize with the speaker. Nod occasionally, make sure your posture is open and interested, and interject “yes”, and “uh huh” as a way to give them verbal cues of your presence. In the therapy world, this is called “reflection”.
Defer judgment: Interrupting is a conversation killer and can create defensiveness rather than good engagement. It frustrates the speaker and limits you to fully understanding the message.
Respond appropriately: If you are to perpetuate mutual respect and understanding in your relationships, it’s important to leave a good impression with the speaker. It’s better to be curious with your disagreements by asking questions, rather than by attacking their perspective. Treat others like you want to be treated.